


Family Game Night

by maq_moon



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Abrasax Family Bonding, Can this even happen in real life?, Canon-Typical Incestual Vibes, Cards Against Humanity, Family Shenanigans, Humor, Monopoly (Board Game), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poker, crack juice seeping from my brain meats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 19:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5387726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maq_moon/pseuds/maq_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jupiter and her not-quite children gather regularly to play board games. Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. MONOPOLY

**Author's Note:**

> This started last week at like 3 AM... Sorry not sorry?
> 
> Sporadic updates =^.^=

Family Game Night

_Monopoly_

                "So four houses gives you a hotel?" Kalique asked, picking up the thimble and placing it on "Go".

                "Right," Jupiter said.

                "That makes no sense," Balem stated, raising an eyebrow ever so slightly. "This... Milton Bradley obviously had no experience in real estate."

                "Why do I start off with so few dollars? I don't want the white ones; give me the gold ones," Titus said.

                "Everyone starts off with the same amount," Jupiter replied.

                "Well that's hardly fair. _You_ may have been born poor, but _we_ were born with fortunes."

                "It's just how the game works, Titus."

                "And we buy the squares?" Balem asked.

                "Yes. Then anyone who lands there has to pay you depending on what you have, or you can trade or sell. You want all of the spaces with the same color. That's the 'monopoly' part."

                Balem nodded, picking a playing piece at random.

                "What are these cards named after? Marvin Gardens? What _is_ that? What's Broadway? Why is Broadway worth so much more than a railroad? _What's a railroad_?"

                "Titus," Kalique said, "calm down and don't over-think it. Jupiter will explain things if we get confused. Just pick a piece and we'll get started."

                Jupiter watched as Kalique managed to roll the dice elegantly. "Oh! Should I buy it?"

                "Probably not. It isn't worth much. But you can if you want to," Jupiter replied.

                Kalique passed the dice to Titus, who decided to take what he called a 'risky business venture' and buy the cheapest property on the board. Jupiter landed on a railroad and handed the dice to Balem.

                "Community Chest," he said. He slowly drew a card and read it silently. Then he repeated the last lines aloud. "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200." He frowned. "Jail?"

                And that is how, less than five minutes into a game of _Monopoly_ , the board, pieces, cards, and money were scattered all over Jupiter's living room.


	2. Five-Card Poker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Titus brings a deck of cards to Jupiter's place for a round of poker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poker was suggested, so here it is!  
> I know that the term is for 7-card and not 5-card, but it's just fun to say, "Deuces, Jacks, and the Man with the Axe."

Family Game Night

_Five-Card Poker_

                "Okay, sounds like the rules are the same here as they are in space," Jupiter said. "I think there's a deck in the drawer..."

                "No need," Titus said. "I've brought mine." He pulled a set of cards from a pocket inside his coat and removed them from their silk casing. Jupiter whistled; they were glimmering and decorated with intricate patterns.

                "How vain of you, brother," Balem chided softly.

                "I thought Jupiter might like to see them," he replied with a cheeky wink.

                "I think you'll find yourself mistaken, but let us play."

                Jupiter watched the exchange curiously. Vanity? And why would she have any kind of response to a deck of cards, no matter how pretty? She cleared her throat. "So, are Aces high or low?"

                "Aces?" Kalique asked. "Oh, you must mean Solos! They're the highest card in the deck. How odd that you would set them low." Jupiter just shrugged.

                As he dealt, Titus said, "Deuces, Princes, and the Splicer's Axe are wild."

                "The Splicer?" Jupe asked. "Princes?"

                "Not so similar after all, I suppose," Kalique sighed. "Princes are the lowest face cards-"

                "Oh, Jacks!"

                "-and the Splicer's Axe is the King holding an axe."

                "Gotcha. We just say 'the man with the axe'. Just to clarify, it goes Kings, Queens, Princes?"

                "Queens are higher," Titus said. "Everyone have five? What are the stakes?"

                "Fun," Jupiter said. "We're playing for fun. I don't gamble."

                "How droll."

                They all examined and organized their hands. Jupiter had a pair of eights, a three, a seven, and a two. Okay, with the wild card, she had three of a kind. "Two," she said when her turn came around. Yes! Two fives! And all of her cards were of the same suit- Galaxies.

                "Television Subtitles and Presto in a Full House," she announced, laying her cards on the table. The Abrasax siblings looked at her like she was speaking Mandarin. "Three eights and two fives," she said in a small voice. "There's a cute name for most card combinations. Cousin is a bit of a gambler, so I know some of the lingo."

                Balem simply shook his head and lay down two pair, tens and nines. Titus folded. Kalique had the rest of the twos, which she made Solos, and paired them with Kings for the win. Jupiter's eyes fell on the face cards, but Kalique scooped them up as quickly as possible and handed them back to Titus.

                "Perhaps we ought to use Jupiter's deck and Earth's customs?" she suggested.

                "That's okay," Jupe insisted. She wondered what it was about these cards that Titus found amusing and that Kalique didn't want her to see. "I like these; they're gorgeous."

                "You deal, Balem," Titus said.

                Her next hand made her choke on her Cheez Doodlez. Oh, the cards were good. She wouldn't need any new ones. It was a Flush... and she knew all of the faces on the cards. Staring at her, barely clothed, from the Prince of Stars card, was Titus Abrasax. Balem stood proud and resplendent as the King of Planets. Kalique was blushing, hair covering half of her face, from the Queen of Novae card. Most disturbingly, the Solo of Galaxies stared at her with her own face. God, those were her eyes, her lips, her naked breasts... and all of the universe had access to this card. She felt heat rush to her face and gulped down half of a warm Pepsi.

                "I think we know one of her cards," Titus stage-whispered.

                "You... you..." Jupiter stammered.

                "I _told_ you it was a bad idea, little brother," Kalique sighed.

                "Do you think so? I'm rather enjoying the moment." Titus held in a chuckle.

                "I'd stop now if I were you," Kalique said, taking the cards from Jupiter's trembling hands. "You may start something you can't control."

                "Oh, it's a _game_ , sister. The whole 'verse has seen these things. They've been around for centuries. Dear Jupiter's body is hardly some hidden treasure. It's basically advertis- ARGH!"

                Balem and Jupiter had worked in tandem, the former punching Titus in the face and the latter punching him in the groin.

                "Don't talk about Mother that way!" Balem seethed.

                "Thanks, but I'm not-"

                "Don't talk about Mother's _Recurrence_ that way."

                "Nice save," Jupe said. She, Balem, and Kalique surveyed a grimacing Titus. "Do you want some ice?" she asked. Titus nodded. "Not you, asshole. I meant Balem; his hand might hurt."

                Kalique's tinkling laughter echoed throughout the room. Jupiter went to the kitchen and returned with a bag of frozen peas for Balem's hand, three bowls, three spoons, and a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream (plus a promise that it was delicious). Jupe and the two Abrasax children capable of speech settled in for their treat, swapped stories, and discovered a terrible made-for-television movie together.

                Titus was never allowed to bring a game again.     


	3. Cards Against Humanity

Family Game Night

_Cards Against Humanity_

                Jupiter read the black card aloud. "What do old people smell like?"

                The Abrasax children looked confused. They shot one another furtive and uncomfortable glances until Kalique finally spoke up. "We don't know many old people." Jupiter's eyebrows shot up. "Well, it's our job to prevent them from existing in the first place."

                "Point taken," Jupiter replied. "Just... try to remember, I guess."

                The trio took their sweet time selecting their answers from the white cards in their hands. Finally, Jupiter could move things along.

                "Okay. 'What do old people smell like?' We have 'Dick Cheney', 'A lifetime of sadness', and 'The clitoris'. Interesting choices. As Dick Cheney is an actual old person, I'm choosing that one."

                "I've no idea who he is, but a person seemed like a good choice," Kalique said, taking the black card. "I trust the sexual response was yours, Titus?"

                "Why, aren't they supposed to be anonymous?" Titus asked innocently. "My turn. 'I learned that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with _blank'_." Three white cards were put before him quickly. "Such boring answers. 'Silence', 'Mutually-assured destruction', and 'Dying'. I thought the point was crude creativity." He scoffed. "Mutually-assured destruction," he said lamely.

                Jupiter took the card and the point as Kalique drew from the black deck. "Okay, little brother, I'll choose an odd answer if that will make you happy. Oh my. 'What gives me uncontrollable gas?'"

                Titus and Jupiter laughed, slapping down cards immediately. The corners of Balem's lips quirked. Kalique blushed as she read the response cards. "Alright, 'A zesty breakfast burrito', 'Firing a rifle in the air while balls deep in a squealing hog', and '50,000 volts straight to the nipple'." She giggled and brought her hand to her mouth as if to be demure but loudly shouted, "Being balls deep in a hog!" and clapped her hands.

                "Excellent!" Jupiter said, taking the card. "Balem, you're up."

                "Hang on," Titus interjected. "I think 50,000 volts would give anyone uncontrollable gas. It's biology. You'd probably lose all control. I should get the point."

                "Ah-ah-ah! She made her choice," Jupiter taunted. "And besides, it was you who wanted her to be silly. Now let Balem take his turn."

                "'Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's _blank_ '," Balem read, barely audible. "I assume that this is a popular culture reference."

                "Makeup," Jupiter said, nodding.

                Balem's eyes widened and he coughed as he read the cards before him. "'My existential gay crisis', 'Being a motherfucking sorcerer', or 'Whatever a McRib is made of'. I suppose I'll choose the sorcerer."

                "Score!" Titus pumped his fist in the air.

                "We have a three-way tie," Jupiter said. "Everyone except Balem has two."

                "Poor Brother doesn't have a single point," Titus mocked. Balem shot him a withering look; he responded with a cocky sneer.

                "Let's do a tiebreaker. Balem will read the black card and determine who wins the game."

                The Abrasax siblings all seemed amenable to the idea, so the eldest drew another card.

                " _'Blank_ : kid tested, mother approved'. The choices are 'Warm, velvety muppet sex', 'A big black dick', and-"

                "And what?" Kalique asked.

                "Who put it in there?!" he demanded. "It was you, wasn't it, Titus? You never let the rumors die down, always shoving them back in my face when I've gotten over them-"

                " _I_ put down the third card," Jupiter said. "I wouldn't have if I had known it was a touchy subject."

                "Well, what is it?" Kalique pressed.

                "Nothing," Balem said, hiding the final card behind his back.

                "No, you have to tell, big brother," Titus said, eyes full of mischief. "We need a winner, after all."

                "Muppet sex is the winner. Game over."

                "While I'm happy to have won, I still absolutely need to know the third response. Enlighten us, won't you, Jupiter?"

                Seeing the desperation on Balem's face, Jupiter decided to keep quiet. "Sorry, I seem to have forgotten." Balem sent her a silent thank-you with his eyes.

                After the trio had left and Jupiter was cleaning up their considerable mess, she thought about what Balem had said. There were _rumors_. She organized the game cards by color and expansion. When she came upon the crumpled card that had effectively ruined the afternoon, she shook her head.

                "An Oedipus complex," she said aloud. "Kid tested, mother approved... and something to never bring up around those three ever again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Balls Deep in a Hog" used to be my trump card. Now, of course, it's the Bowie card.
> 
> Pretty sure this was actually the first one I wrote. Life's been a huge biiiiitch and I have only now had time to upload this tiny li'l file.

**Author's Note:**

> Short, yeah? The rest will be longer.   
> The next one is Cards Against Humanity (finished) and I'm trying to work on Dungeons & Dragons and possibly Clue, but I need other suggestions! Balem gets a pretty raw deal with CAH, so I want something nicer for him before I lay that on y'all. I don't want this to be "The Balem Temper Tantrum Hour".


End file.
